Android Phones, Final Fantasy V, Rake Fights, Lies

me:  shit breaks have taken on a whole new meaning now that I have a Game Boy Advance emulator on my phone

Marty:  hahahah they've become a lot longer eh?

me:  a teensy bit

i think my bowels will slowly take me through Final Fantasy V Advance

Marty:  How did you find this emulator?? Is it an android phone?

me:  yep

emulators can be easily obtained in the Google Play store. They're free and plentiful

a simple google search for __________ can easily net you some games

point: Android

Marty:  Damn. I gotsta get me an android phone

me:  now, i'm using touch screen controls, which suck monkey nuts

so i'll probably never play a Mario game with it

but for FFs, Fire Emblems, and the like, it's the cat's pajamas

...

...

Marty:  Sorry sorry!

There was a domestic going on a few doors down

its like a live action reality show

me:  whoa!

see if there are any captive women in there

be a hero

Marty:  No, its a shouting match between two women

One is a "FUCKING JOKE"

apparently

Although no one was laughing

me:  lesbian domestic disputes are things you just don't see very often on Cops

Marty:  I use the term domestic loosely

Its a fight. With girls

AnD HOLY SHIT ONE JUST RIPPED OFF THE OTHER'S HAIR

A HUGE CHUNK

SCRATCHES

now neighbours are jumping over the fence

one ha a rake

me:  oh man!

Marty:  she's swingn with the rake

hit hit hit

there's blood

dog is in it

me:  oh my god!

is this actually happening?!

Marty:  dog is totally attacking other lady

me:  holy fuck

Marty:  just kidding

thought I'd spice it up

me:  FUCK YOU

Marty:  hahahahaha

me:  hahahaha

you absolutely had me

Marty:  I know. I was thinking up a whole 20 minutes of escalating action

me:  goddammit

a BioShock Infinite Review, Stairs, Michael Bay, OPTIMISM!

  Marty: Good morning sir

9:16 AM me: and hello

  poop time

  tell me what's up and I'll respond soon

11 minutes

9:28 AM me: ok i'm back

  and disappointed at the lack of conversation

 Marty: Sorry buddy.

  We are getting work done to our stairs

 me: ARE YOU

  oh really

9:29 AM Marty: So Mr. Handyman arrived

  And we were just discussing life altering decisions like what stair nosing would look great with stained plywood

  *loads gun slowly

  See, the problem is the stair isn't level with the platform

  *raises to mouth

  So in order to make the nosing fit, we are now going with a slight extra layer of plywood on the top step

  *clicks safety off

9:30 AM Which shouldn't be a problem, but a metal equalizer may be needed

  *cries

  End of story

9:31 AM me: one sec

9:36 AM holy shit!

  you're life is fascinating!

 Marty: Dude. I'm surprised Michael Bay hasn't bought the rights

 me: matter of time!

9:37 AM Marty: You think??

 me: OPTIMISM

  so i think this weekend is going to be bioshock

  but we'll see

  i was supposed to do tomb raider two weeks ago

 Marty: NO!

  NOOO

9:38 AM Listen

  Just

  Fucking listen

  I'm tired of this BioShock avoidance shit. PLAY BIOSHOCK INFINITE

 me: but

  b-but

 Marty: NO

  Hot damn. Just...

  You test my patience sometimes John, you really do

Seriously?

 me: want to hear something funny?

 Marty: hit me

 me: remember that blog i was doing that was just our conversations?

  Conversations with Games "Journalists"

9:52 AM Marty: hah yeah

 me: for whatever reason, it's been getting traffic over the past few days

  not a lot, but it's happening

 Marty: ?

  Odd. From where?

 me: no clue

  just funny

9:56 AM Marty: Hah. That is. We're on the rise!

 me: haha

9:57 AM the one with the most clicks over the past few days is only like 4 lines long, too

  it's the shortest one

 Marty: Which one is that?

 me: http://talkinggameswriters.blogspot.com/2012/04/feature-posting.html

16 minutes

10:19 AM Marty: Hahah we're funny

 me: seems that way

10:20 AM Marty: Who are these people. Did you edit these?

 me: nope

  all us

  and our moufs

 Marty: Crazy

  You should post this. make is a meta-post

 me: MAYBE I WILL

 Marty: We should make t-shirts

  and branded USBs

10:21 AM me: we ain't getting that much traffic

 Marty: Oh! Bobble heads

  I'll call E3, get a booth

 me: but we can always make bobble heads

  yes

  people can just sit there and watch us type

 Marty: Or just watch us talk

 me: think we're on to something

Tattoos, Ubisoft, New Jobs?

11:03 AM me: sup

  saw the brotatstic feature

  dude

11:04 AM Marty: Hah - yeah. It's funny, whenever you make a list there's always the "you missed this asshole" comments

  Was it ok, though?

11:05 AM me: no i love it

11:06 AM good call on planescape

 Marty: Thanks man

  The problem was there was a "best tattoos in video gaming" article that made the rounds last year

  They had all the people I was thinking of, so I wanted to go a little more obscure

11:07 AM me: oh yeah, some of these are pretty obscure

  derek o'toole

  wowsers

 Marty: haha yeah

  Tattoo Assassins. That was more of a joke entry

  as I'm sure you picked up on

 me: yeah

  good work, buddy

11:08 AM Marty: I appreciate that, thanks

  So...interesting news

 me: yes yes?

 Marty: Nothing may come of it, but I emailed the Editor in Chief of Kotaku...

  And he got back to me this morning

 me: totilo

 Marty: Yeah. He said he doesn'

11:09 AM t have any spots right now, but for me to send writing samples and let him know where I'm located since they need freelancers in places they aren't located in

  that was a horrible sentance

 me: super cool, though

 Marty: It's a spark of hope, yes

 me: i'd say

 Marty: I'm just happy he returned my email

11:10 AM me: since i think kotaku is one of two gaming websites that's actually growing, i'd call that a coup

  i'm sure they need canadians

  everyone does

 Marty: haha

  Well, I'm thinking I'd have a leg up since I'm close to a lot of the big canadian studios

  well..outside of vancouver

11:11 AM me: yes, and to my dream date jade raymond

  [swoons]

 Marty: Yes! I had an interview and tour set up with Ubisoft last year...

  well...kind of

  They cancelled

 me: yeah i remember you telling me this

  why did they cancel?

  and who the fuck can i call to get that back on?

 Marty: Mmm too busy. I'm a no-name, etc.

11:12 AM me: ah, of course

 Marty: I dealt with her assistant

  If I were G4 or someone, I'm sure it would have been different

 me: sure

 Marty: I'm honestly not bitter

 me: were you trying to do it with ____?

 Marty: Oh hells no

 me: for ____?

 Marty: It was an idea I pitched to ____

 me: i'm sure they would have loved that

11:13 AM Marty: A profile of Ubisoft's new Toronto office

 me: weird

 Marty: Yeah. Maybe I wasn't pushy enough?

 me: that's odd to me, ____'s not the hugest (which is now a word), but it's not a slouch

11:14 AM oh well. you're loss, Ubisoft

Feature Posting

11:15 AM me: morning

 Marty: hey man

  our feature is going up today

 me: nice

Crisis, News, Ennui

10:04 AM Marty: Did you get my panicked text?

10:05 AM me: I just looked at it. Busy morning and a drunk night

  What's going to happen?

10:06 AM Marty: Think they're just doing news internally now

10:07 AM me: youch

  so are you done done?

  or are they giving you a week or something?

10:08 AM Marty: A week. And then they said they'll throw me features

 me: wow

  sorry, buddy

  that super stinks

10:09 AM Marty: Ugh...its just shitty timing

  It's like we have a Bundy curse re: jobs in this household

10:10 AM me: do you have an idea what kind of frequency you'll get features?

10:12 AM Marty: Mmm a few a month at max I think. Enough to keep in the game, but not enough to cover the loss. I have to readjust...replan...re-whore-myself-out-for-cash

10:13 AM me: remember craig's list

  and remember the wang shot

 Marty: heh

  So our feature is still on. And we're going to kill it so GR will be all "lets fire everyone but _____ and ______ and make John and Matt our main content providers"

10:14 AM me: ha

10:15 AM do you want to solo the feature? do you want me to ghost write my half so you can get the whole payout?

  i don't mind if you need the cash

 Marty: Absolutely not

  You're doing me a huge solid, so you get half the cash

  thanks for the offer though

10:16 AM me: sure

A Fez Review

2:06 PM Marty: Oh oh!

  Fez

  I downloaded that over the weekend

  It's a bit of a mind fuck

2:07 PM Like, it's so full of secrets and hidden stuff, it makes for an interesting diversion

  As in, one room had a QR code you had to scan with a smartphone in order to get a special code that unlocks an item

 me: what?? that's awesome?

  wait, that's awesome!

 Marty: Are you asking?

  haha

2:08 PM Yeah...in another room you have to decipher ruins to find the exact button presses to open a door.

 me: fuck yeah i love that stuff

 Marty: The core concept is you are a 16-bit guy going around a 16-bit world that can be rotated on 4-different axis

 me: that i did know

2:09 PM Marty: But the way they use it is genius

  Its one of those games that makes you feel really smart

 me: but i've kept away from reviews because i want to sit down with it

 Marty: Right

 me: ha nice

 Marty: I need you to play this because I need help

  It has its own language, and I have no clue how to decipher it

2:10 PM me: i'll climb that horse tonight or tomorrow

 Marty: Yessir!

  Plus (sorry, I love this game and was going to talk about it anyways)

 me: give it to me

2:11 PM Marty: Its one of those games where you start on one "screen" and just find random doors...then half an hour later, you've gone through 10 different doors, discovered some weird ass secret levels and are lost

  But you love it because there's just endless doors to discover

  Oh...and it simulates glitches to make you think the game has crashed

 me: haha

 Marty: Which...funny enough...the game is actually crashing for a lot of people. A patch is coming soon

2:12 PM me: wouldn't be current if it didn't either crash, have a kickstarter, or deliver a bile-spewing ending